Tuesday, August 14, 2012

On Fires and Focus

Hey loves,

It's been a while since the last update, and for that I'll briefly apologize. I've been volunteering full-time at the retreat in the woods, which has been good for me in a hundred different ways. Out of my head, into the world sort of thing. It's given me a lot to mull over, and the past few weeks especially have thrown a lot of light on things I'd been blissfully ignoring.

The main thing is perhaps the most obvious: I have to return to America.
I've been avoiding this thought for a while now. After all, maybe I'd find a job or a husband or a magical visa so I could stay in the UK. Life has thrown stranger things my way. But as the months passed and not much changed on the outside, I realized something pretty profound: I wasn't here to settle down. I came here to avoid the real issue.

Now, with a few months left, I'm facing the music. I need a goal and a lifestyle that isn't centered around writing because it's driving me batshit insane, thank you very much (though I won't stop writing, oh no. I have so many IDEAS). I need art and circus and spirituality. I need to create something big with my time and my life because anything less would be a personal disservice. Long story short, I need to stop screwing around.

All these thoughts came about while doing a course on manifesting visions. The program had many aspects--I walked on fire and glass, broke arrows in my throat, sobbed in front of strangers--but they all boiled down to creating the life you wanted to live. And there I was, not really knowing what I wanted to create. I mean, I thought I knew--write books, get published, tour. But that didn't feel like the whole picture. I'm not saying I have it all figured out on the other side, but I'm getting there.

The (oh-so-tentative) plan: Move to Seattle. Get a job of sorts. Live in a fantastic flat with beautiful people. Build my artistic empire.

The last one's the most exciting to me. It involves creating my own Tarot deck, working with metals, getting my photography up and running, and doing whatever else I so please. It involves creating not only an arts studio, but an arts venue: a place for burlesque and cabaret and circus performances, a place for local artists to show and sell their work, a place for musicians to entertain and youth to gather. It involves a cafe. Two big masquerade balls. It also involves a trapeze rig shaped like a birdcage.

That would be the ultra-condensed version.

The dreaming is there. The steps are appearing. I feel life tying up loose ends and pushing me in new directions. I'm up for the adventure.

Tonight I head back to the retreat. I'll be there for most of my time in Scotland. But there may be an adventure in Madrid to fill you in on late September. And teaching in Edinburgh. And an anthology release in October.

Oh, and this is me walking on fire. LOLMYFACE.


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