Saturday, April 21, 2012

Beauty Heals 1 : Expectations

Hello loves, welcome to the first true entry in the Beauty Heals project.
Let's begin with a metaphor.

Yesterday morning, a panel in my ceiling fell down.

It began with a drip, then a drizzle. Then a flood as a wave of dirty water splashed to the floor, bringing with it a chunk of paneling that resembled wet clay the moment it hit the ground.

The entire thing shook me, not because of the physical action of a falling ceiling, but for the meaning my brain was applying to it. It became a symbol. It gained power.

When I returned to Scotland last September, I came bearing hundreds of expectations.
Since that time, every single expectation has been shattered.

I'm not being melodramatic: nothing that I had hoped to happen has happened. I didn't fall in love. I didn't get published (yet). I didn't find a way to stay longer (and immediately after being attacked, my desire to stay faded). I didn't develop the amazing social/nightlife I'd envisioned. Instead, I worked. A lot. I wrote for hours every day, taught 6 days a week, and had mounds of homework. And for the amount I worked, I didn't seem to get much in return. I got by. Barely. I saw friends at work and a couple times during the week. I was busy in many ways, and in many ways I was happy. But so much of my life was sunk into trying to get ahead while trying to get by, I didn't have the ability to No matter what, something just wasn't syncing up. What I wanted was so close and yet so far from what I was able to achieve, and every day was another added drop I couldn't release.

Now, I don't want to burst like my ceiling. I don't want to hold on to all these expectations, all these inane things that make me feel less than human. My life is more than my work/writing/productivity/success/fame/WHATEVER. My world is bigger than the walls of this flat and the confines of this screen.

I am more than this.
You are more than this.

We all have expectations that we have not met and cannot let go of--and these are holding us back.

So today, on the first leg of this journey, I invite you to look at all your past and current 'failures,' the things that make you sad rather than give you strength to move forward and push through.

What are they? How can you begin letting them go?
In what way would you like to heal?

As you ponder, I'll leave you with a song from the artist I watched last night. He is amazing, and the lyrics are more than appropriate.


Beauty is everywhere.
Let's find it.


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