Friday, November 4, 2011

There's a drumming noise inside my head/ that starts when you're around

Wow, guys, I've been horrible at keeping this updated.  Because of that, this is going to be longer than normal.

The past month has been insane in so many ways.  On the one hand, I'm always busy.  On the other, I feel like I'm constantly waiting for 'something' to happen.

I moved into my new flat on Monday.  It's lovely and cozy and all mine.  I've spent the last few days filling the kitchen and making it feel a little closer to home.  Currently trying to get internet sorted, which means I'm now in the uni library, staring off at the lights of Glasgow (not even 7pm and it's pitch black here), watching the occasional fireworks because remember remember the fifth of November.  Apparently some people can't wait til Bonfire Night.

The real reason I haven't written, though, is because I've been trying to avoid writing this line: being here has been difficult.
I don't want to admit it, because it sounds like I'm devaluing the amazing experiences I have had.  I have a fantastic social life and every day I wake up excited for what's in store.  But there's been a switch in my perception that changes everything.

When I first came here, I truly thought I was going to have the chance to make it home.
I haven't lived in the same place for more than 6 months in nine years (switching schools, dorm rooms, apartments, states, countries, etc) and I yearn for a place I can sink my roots into.  I figured I had a year after graduating to settle in and find a way to make it permanent.  But visa regulations changed, and my time here expires Sept 1st, 2012.

So now I'm trying to switch my thinking around.  I'm trying to view this as an adventure or vacation, but any way I look at it, there's a gut-deep dread that I'm just waiting again: waiting to get back to a place where things like really falling in love (with a person, a place, a job, etc) isn't an extreme act of masochism.  Trying to just enjoy the moment and not wonder what the next few months will bring.  So many things can change.  The trouble is, the situation tints the year before coming here in rose: the year after graduation, the year of building a future.  I feel like I abandoned that in coming here, and now that 'staying' is less and less of an option, I'm struggling to figure out how to rationalize, y'know, getting a degree in a foreign country that I don't exactly need.

Thing is, I know where I am.  I've been in this place before--that inner nagging, the knot that won't unbind.  The slight suffocation underneath the smiles.
And that's a good thing, because I know that although the night is getting darker, there's a breakthrough nearby.  Past experience has shown that whenever life starts feeling like I've hit a brick wall, or every single thing I've done was a horrible mistake, something steps in and changes every negative into a positive, lifts my perception to something greater.  Change is coming.
Rather than try to close this, I'll leave you with a link to Rumi, because he said it better than I ever could.


seibslikefeebs said...

Kind of weird, don't know if anything will come of it, but I've got a good friend whose extended family all live in and around Glasgow. I don't know why I never made a connection before that her family might have a working situation which would help you get a visa after your student one expires next year. Just throwing out ideas to see if any take hold. Can't remember the type of work situation you need to stay there. If your game for me to talk to her about it, i gladly will. She and her husband are amazing people and I have their daughter in my class this year. So, if you're still by the internet, let me know what ya think.

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